The Hag

Familiar Youth

Remember when you were in your early 20s, absolutely loving and living life to its fullest? An overwhelmingly healthy life of fun, loving your job, and then abruptly deciding to “damn the man,” pitch a fit, and quit? Ahhhh, me too! Such sweet memories! And is it weird that I think that not sarcastically?

Regardless, I had that exact moment of Déjà vu today, 20 years later. I was feeling down about my coworkers not inviting me to their after-work outings. Thinking “poor me, no one likes me” when it clicked. It stopped me dead in my tracks. I was Cat.

Cat was a cool ad exec I worked with in publishing. She’s had that stunning down-to-earth beauty that I craved. Still crave. She was fun, flirty, effortlessly funny, single and in her early 40s. I thought she had it absolutely made in life.

Absolutely crushing her job, confident in every situation and never apologizing for being authentically herself. She was single, going out on dates and coming back to the office to gossip with the ad girls. We’d giggle and admire her “bold” take on being a southern single woman over 40. It was hard, but she made it look so good. Made me realize being single was ok. Better than ok. That I could be confident and successful … and single.

I was a couple years out of college living my dream life, too. Made friends with the other single 20-something girl at the office and went out constantly after work, errands during work, coffee before work. It was great. And we almost never invited Cat out to any of it. Nor even included her in on what was happening. We loved her, sure! But she was senior level! And 40!! She just never really came up to ask.

That’s when it hit me today. I’m Cat. I’m the outsider wanting to be invited in with my 20-something coworkers. But in reality, I’m old…er. I’m an executive. I’m “the boss” regardless if I am or not.

And I think I’m ok with that fact. I’m happy, I’m successful. And yes, I’m single. But I’m also getting to know myself truly for the first time ever. And working hard on completely accepting her, loving her, and owning her as she is. I’m being gentle to her, showing gratitude. Good things to come.

xox

NYC, The Hag

A New Rhythm Ride

I think I’m going to come back. For real real this time. A lot has changed since I’ve last been here. A lot, lot. But for now, I’ll kick things off with my day.

Picture it: Upper West Side, after 2pm. Sunday, March 22nd. 60 degrees and sunny.

I’m at max potency of a gummy high, standing in the joint of the M86 Select bus, wearing a hat that reads Strange and Unusual (backwards and upside down), and blasting Basstrologe’s “Somebody to Love” through my wired headphones.

As the beat is ramping up, we’re on the 86th St transverse, speeding through the winds of the road & potholes that make me sway with rhythm. As the beat slows, so does the bus. We both roll to a stop. The bus, opening its doors. Me, opening my eyes and coming out of my body & back into the present.

As “One More Time” by Daft Punk starts, it adds to the blissful Soundtrack of my Sunday. I exit the bus and take one more drag of my vape. Next Stop: ATM & dispensary.

Now hours later, I’m gently winding down my Sunday. Getting in a few dabs, comfortably gaming while listening to the rain. But also, exchanged numbers with a guy from Feeld … and we’re texting.

I rejoined the app last night. Even took a selfie today while out in the sun. This “match” seemingly loves curvy women. Wants to “build them up” and embrace their beauty. I can’t yet tell if it’s in genuine or degrading tone. Stay tuned!

Glad to be back,

xox

Tub Tracker

3 in 1

It’s been a weekend, mercy. I’m not going to hit all the details, but let’s just say Friday got interesting … and wild.

But now, I’m soaking in the tub, relaxing and washing away the sins. I’m moving this week and all my glasses are packed, so drinking wine straight from the bottle. Keeping up the class this weekend didn’t have.

Once again, screw the stats. Let’s just enjoy the night and what’s to come. After all, this may be my last bath in this apartment. Let’s hope the new tub is perfect. 🤞

Tub Tracker

Finally Blitzed

First self-care bath of 2023!!

Got the apartment. Still haven’t gotten the job.

Drank two glasses of wine while starting to clean out my skinny clothes from the closet. One massive bag for goodwill and one with items to attempt to sell.

Figured that was enough work for the night so I got perfectly blitzed and now in the tub with the remaining bottle of wine.

Cheerio ✌️

45 min update: I dropped my wine glass in the bubbles, so now I’m drinking straight from the bottle. (And yes it’s a plastic cup! From the theatre! 😂)

Tub Tracker

3 / 3

Third bath of the year. Clarification: Third depression bath of the year.

It’s been a rough start, but according to TikTok all the planets that went retrograde are coming out tomorrow??? So fingers crossed? They said I’ll be lucky in work and home …

Let me catch you up. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my dad’s death. I spent it hungover because I simply can’t control my drinking on my meds. Told me therapist about it and we’re working on it, ok!!!

Applied to get a new apartment and they are looking like they will reject me. Which really sucks. Fingers crossed she has a good heart and will encourage the building to accept me. I’ll find out tonight or tomorrow.

I’ll also find out tomorrow about that other job I’ve spent forever talking to. Pretty sure they extended an offer to someone else last week and tomorrow’s “catch up” will be to tell me that. Ugh. Fingers crossed again??

I also found out that the job I quit … the one that had me doing three full-time jobs and told me that was normal and would never change … is hiring for ONE of those roles. And the pay scale is what I BEGGED them for. BEGGED. Then got scolded and punished for doing so. It’s also the role that I told them a junior person should be doing. So yeah, paying a junior person my salary to do one of my three jobs. Fuck. Off.

Just going through it. So here I am. In the bath. Sober. Quiet. Avoiding life for the moment.

Also, fuck the tub stats tonight. ✌️

Tub Tracker

Gloom and Doom

Ugh. Second depression bath of 2023 underway. Things are all gloom around here so I’m trying to forget about it all for a moment.

Job search is blah. Apartment hunting is blah. And small fall bald dude from that holiday party messaged me Friday. Did I meet up with him? Yes. Should I have? Probably not. Was it worth the 8:30 am walk of shame in a faux-fur cropped leopard jacket? Most definitely not.

So here we are. Reflecting. Silence. Ready for therapy.

No tub stats tonight. Not feeling it. ✌️

Tub Tracker

First Bath of 2023

And it’s a depression bath!! Wooooo!

As soon as my flight landed back in NYC, I received a rejection text message from one of those jobs. Then, while walking to the taxi, my backpack strap popped off. And to top it off, I was sweating and overheating thanks to global warming. Yay!

So I’m now in the bath, very hot, and hoping it pushes this cold I feel starting out.

Brought in a cookie. Maybe year for food?

FRESH Tub Stats:

  • First bath of the year
  • 20 mins and countint
  • Don’t feel like swiping
  • Don’t feel like TikTok dooms scrolling
  • Going to READ! New year, new me?
Tub Tracker

Last Bath of 2022 (maybe??)

This feels weird and I don’t like it.

I’m heading out of town in two days and will be gone for the remainder of the year. It’s tonight and tomorrow left for potential bath time. And since you’re here, and I’m here, we all know I fit one in the schedule tonight. Could it be the last of 2022?

Tonight’s bath is just starting out. I didn’t make it hot enough as I’m not sweating, so will need to beef this temperature up soon.

The bubbles are bubblin’ and I’ve got a very heavy pour of wine, but no music. Just relaxation and the Christmas jams coming from the cars outside.

Will this be it for the year? Tomorrow will tell.

Tub Tracker Stats:

  • 5 mins in and a loooooong ways to go
  • Maybe swiping. Maybe not.
  • Maybe starting a new book. Maybe not.
  • Maybe just blissing out to the calmness

✌️